摘要：忙于婚礼计划的夫妇往往不会考虑他们的婚姻可能面临的挑战。在“清算”期间，幸福感逐渐消退。伴侣们彼此感到失望和愤怒。婚姻治疗使失望情绪正常化。当夫妻双方分享彼此的脆弱和恐惧时，关系就会重建。长久爱情的基础是友谊，在这种友谊中，双方都感受到被重视和接受。

Wedding Planning Hides a Secret

婚礼策划隐藏秘密

Creating that perfect day distracts from the anxiety of “till death do us part.”

创造完美的一天可以转移人们对“至死方休”的焦虑。

Posted September 8, 2025 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

发布于 2025 年 9 月 8 日 | Davia Sills 审阅

Couples caught up in wedding plans tend not to think about how their marriage may be challenging.During "The Reckoning," the bliss factor has worn off. Partners feel disappointed and angry with each other.Marital therapy normalizes disappointment. Connection rebuilds as spouses share vulnerabilities and fears.The foundation of long-term love is a friendship where each partner feels seen and accepted for who they are.

忙于婚礼计划的夫妇往往不会考虑他们的婚姻可能面临的挑战。在“清算”期间，幸福感逐渐消退。伴侣们彼此感到失望和愤怒。婚姻治疗使失望情绪正常化。当夫妻双方分享彼此的脆弱和恐惧时，关系就会重建。长久爱情的基础是友谊，在这种友谊中，双方都感受到被重视和接受。

A Case Example

案例

Dora and Dennis are a composite couple from my office. They’re wildly in love, but they’ve sought premarital therapy because they’re fighting over wedding plans. Dennis arrives for the session in cotton khakis, metal clips around his pant ankles, his bike parked outside. Dora has long black hair, pretty eyelash extensions, and expensive jeans carefully torn at the knees. She met Dennis after he gave a public lecture about the impact of deforestation on tree frogs. His passion for saving the planet impresses her, and he loves her vivacious and sweet ways.

多拉和丹尼斯是我办公室里的一对复合情侣。他们热恋着，但因为婚礼计划争吵不休，所以寻求婚前心理咨询。丹尼斯穿着棉质卡其裤来咨询，裤脚上别着金属夹，自行车停在外面。多拉留着一头乌黑的长发，戴着漂亮的假睫毛，穿着一条膝盖处精心撕开的昂贵牛仔裤。她是在丹尼斯做了一场关于森林砍伐对树蛙影响的公开演讲后认识他的。丹尼斯对拯救地球的热情让她印象深刻，而丹尼斯也喜欢她活泼可爱的性格。

While with me, they argue about the wedding. Dennis lobbies for a rustic outdoor setting, guests dressed casually, eating vegetarian burgers. Dora wants a ballroom, with white linens, twinkling lights, and poached salmon. Squabbling over venues and food choices camouflages something deeper: their identities. The subtext is, “Are you really somebody who wants burgers? Because in my family, we would never consider that!”

和我在一起的时候，他们为婚礼争吵不休。丹尼斯主张在户外举办一个质朴的婚礼，宾客们穿着休闲，吃素食汉堡。朵拉想要一个宴会厅，铺着白色的桌布，灯光闪烁，还有水煮三文鱼。场地和食物选择上的争吵掩盖了更深层次的东西：他们的身份认同。潜台词是：“你真的想吃汉堡吗？因为在我家，我们从来不会考虑这个！”

The wedding planning shouts volumes about inevitable differences between each partner. In our fourth session, the issue is gift bags. Dora says, “Pretty baskets! Snacks and bottled water in the hotel rooms for out-of-town guests!”

婚礼策划中，双方难免会有一些差异。第四次见面，我们讨论的是礼品袋的问题。朵拉说：“好漂亮的礼篮！酒店房间里还准备了零食和瓶装水，方便外地客人！”

Dennis suddenly registers exactly what she’s said. “Bottled water?” he asks loudly. “In glass or plastic?”

丹尼斯突然明白了她的意思。“瓶装水？”他大声问道。“玻璃瓶装的还是塑料瓶装的？”

“Plastic?” Dora says almost in a whisper as she picks at a hole in her jeans.

“塑料？”朵拉一边抠着牛仔裤上的一个洞，一边几乎是低声说道。

He stands up and waves his arms at her. “Do you even care about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch? Those plastics are killing marine life!”

他站起来，朝她挥了挥手。“你到底在乎太平洋垃圾带吗？那些塑料正在毁灭海洋生物！”

Dora’s mascara runs as tears drip down her cheeks. “Don’t yell,” she says quietly. “I already ordered them.”

朵拉的睫毛膏滑落下来，泪水顺着脸颊流下来。“别喊，”她轻声说。“我已经订好了。”

Dennis plops back down on the sofa, his body looking like a deflated balloon. “Baby,” he says. “I’m sorry. I want you to be happy.” He lets go of a big sigh. “Just remember for the future, no plastic bottles, OK?” He grabs a tissue and offers it to her.

丹尼斯扑通一声坐回沙发上，身子像个泄了气的气球。“宝贝，”他说，“对不起。我希望你快乐。”他长长地叹了口气。“以后记住，别用塑料瓶，好吗？”他抓起一张纸巾递给她。

As if I’m not in the room, they hug, and Dennis gives her a tender kiss. When they stand to leave, he says, “I think we’ll be OK for now, Doc. Thanks!”

仿佛我不在房间里一样，他们拥抱在一起，丹尼斯温柔地吻了她一下。当他们起身离开时，他说：“医生，我想我们现在没事了。谢谢！”

The Hidden Secret

隐藏的秘密

In the crucible of wedding planning, hope burns for a perfect union and what it might repair inside each of us. We long to be seen and loved for who we are, to be cherished, understood, supported, and never abandoned. From where I sit, the function of wedding planning and extravagance for one perfect day is to distract you from what you’re really doing: making the terrifying leap into a new life with a stranger you think you know. It takes some time for that bliss factor to wear off. You gradually find out who you’ve married, that your union is flawed, as they all are, and your lobbying for change will not solve the differences between you.

在婚礼筹备的严峻考验中，我们渴望一场完美的结合，以及它能修复我们每个人内心深处的伤痛。我们渴望被人看到和爱，渴望被珍惜、被理解、被支持，并且永不抛弃。在我看来，婚礼筹备和为了一个完美的一天而进行的奢华，其作用是让你分心，忘记你真正在做的事情：与一个你自认为熟悉的陌生人，迈入新生活的惊险一步。那种幸福感需要一段时间才能消退。你会逐渐发现，你嫁给了谁，你们的结合是有缺陷的，就像他们所有人一样，而你为改变而进行的游说也无法解决你们之间的分歧。

Dora and Dennis come back five years later. They have an adorable boy now and a house which Dennis has designed to be eco-friendly, but they’re fighting often. She misses living closer to her parents. His ability to control his temper has faltered. She’s tired from childcare and housework, and his controlling ways have shut off her sexual interest in him. He doesn’t feel supported by her.

五年后，朵拉和丹尼斯回来了。他们现在有了一个可爱的儿子，还有丹尼斯设计的环保房子，但他们经常吵架。朵拉怀念住得离父母近的日子。丹尼斯控制脾气的能力已经下降。她厌倦了照顾孩子和做家务，而他的控制欲也让她对他失去了性趣。他感觉不到她的支持。

They struggle with something deeper: They see clearly things about the other they don’t like and have realized those things are baked into the partner’s character and are not going to change. This is a normal phase of marriage, which I have named “The Reckoning.”

他们纠结于更深层次的问题：他们清楚地看到了对方身上自己不喜欢的地方，并且意识到这些地方根植于伴侣的性格之中，无法改变。这是婚姻的一个正常阶段，我称之为“清算”。

The Reckoning

清算

It usually happens between years three and seven, when you have a much better idea of how you and your partner don’t fit. You must reconcile the disappointment this brings with the continuing value of being together. I tell a couple this: “The work of marriage is just beginning for you two. We must dig deeper into what is going on below your fighting.”

这通常发生在第三年到第七年之间，那时你会更清楚地认识到你和伴侣的不合。你必须平衡由此带来的失望和继续在一起的价值。我告诉一对夫妻：“你们的婚姻才刚刚开始。我们必须更深入地挖掘你们争吵背后的原因。”

I ask each to talk about their relationship with their own parents, how they were viewed in the family, what wounds they carry, what beliefs they have about money, domestic roles, marriage, sex, child rearing, and play. It’s always easy to see how you’d be happier if your partner changed. The work is to see and own the ways you yourself are flawed and how that contributes to the conflict between you.

我请每个人谈谈他们与父母的关系，他们在家庭中被如何看待，他们承受过哪些创伤，以及他们对金钱、家庭角色、婚姻、性、育儿和娱乐的观念。你总是很容易想象，如果你的伴侣改变，你会更快乐。关键在于发现并承认你自己的缺陷，以及这些缺陷是如何导致你们之间冲突的。

Good Marital Therapy

良好的婚姻治疗

A good marital therapist makes self-examination possible for each partner in the presence of the other, because that exploration reveals to the other their deeper vulnerabilities and fears, and creates the possibility of true change. It can move the partners toward empathy, consideration for the other’s needs, and a willingness to admit being wrong. Such is the stuff necessary for marital repair.

一位优秀的婚姻治疗师会让伴侣双方在对方面前进行自我反省，因为这种探索能揭示对方内心深处的脆弱和恐惧，并创造真正改变的可能性。它能促使伴侣产生同理心，体谅对方的需求，并愿意承认错误。这些都是修复婚姻的必要条件。

Anger, distance, disconnection, sexual shutdown, and loss of faith in the relationship are not what you want to think about on your wedding day. Yet from where I sit, this new phase of marriage is normal: You have a reckoning about who your partner is, and the disappointing ways that partner doesn’t meet your needs. To move beyond it, you must accept those truths about the other and grapple with the question of whether, on balance, there’s more good in the relationship than bad. If you can accept what you don’t like, work around it, and embrace what you do still love about the other, you can go forward with the marriage, sadder, wiser, and ultimately happier.

愤怒、疏远、断绝关系、性冷淡以及对这段感情失去信心，这些都不是你在婚礼当天想要面对的。然而，在我看来，婚姻的新阶段是正常的：你会重新审视你的伴侣，以及他/她无法满足你需求的那些令人失望的地方。要想超越这些，你必须接受对方的这些真相，并思考这段感情总的来说是好是坏。如果你能接受你不喜欢的部分，努力去克服它，并拥抱你仍然爱着对方的那些地方，你们就能继续这段婚姻，即使会更悲伤，更明智，最终也会更幸福。

Why Are You Happier After the Reckoning?

为什么清算之后你会更快乐？

Acceptance leads to workable compromise, to making allowances for each other, and it stops nagging and fighting to change what cannot change. The result is the foundation of long-term love—a true friendship where each partner feels seen, forgiven, and accepted for who they are.

接纳会带来切实可行的妥协，互相体谅，不再唠叨，不再争吵，不再去改变那些无法改变的事情。最终，这份接纳奠定了长久爱情的基础——一段真正的友谊，让彼此都感受到被重视、被原谅，并被接纳。

来源：左右图史