I think we need to start budgeting better.摘要：That’s not food, that’s jewelry.那根本不是食物，是珠寶吧
我覺得我們該開始更好地做預算了Is this because of the $18 smoothie?
是因為那杯18塊的果昔嗎？It had collagen and gold flakes!
它裡面有膠原蛋白跟金箔耶！That’s not food, that’s jewelry.
那根本不是食物，是珠寶吧I regret nothing… but yes, let’s make a budget.
我不後悔……但好吧，我們來做預算Want to try that app you mentioned?
要不要用你之前說的那個App？Yeah, it tracks every purchase.
好啊，它會記錄每一筆消費Even emotional ones?
連情緒性消費也算？Especially those.
尤其是那些I’ll need a whole category for “bad decisions.”
我要開一整個「壞決定」的分類I forgot that guy’s name at the party.
我忘了派對上那個人的名字The one in the green shirt?
穿綠色襯衫的那個？Yeah, I called him “buddy” for two hours.
對，我叫他「兄弟」叫了兩個小時That’s the universal cover-up.
這是萬用的掩飾法Did he notice?
他有發現嗎？Maybe. He called me “champ.”
可能有吧，他叫我「冠軍」Mutual cluelessness.
雙方都不記得的默契Let’s start wearing name tags.
我們開始戴名牌好了Or get better at whispering “what’s their name?”
或者練習悄悄問「他叫什麼名字？」Code word: “Do you follow them on Instagram?”
暗號是：「你有追蹤他IG嗎？」The sink is leaking again.
水槽又漏水了I thought you fixed it last month.
我以為你上個月修好了？I fixed it emotionally, not physically.
我修的是心理層面，不是實體Grab the wrench.
去拿扳手That’s my least favorite sentence.
這是我最不想聽到的句子We’ll watch a five-minute tutorial and take three hours.
我們會看五分鐘的教學，花三小時搞定Classic DIY.
經典DIYShould we call a plumber?
要叫水電工嗎？No way. This is personal now.
不行，這次我有情緒投入了Okay, but wear gloves.
好啦，但記得戴手套Let’s go camping this weekend.
這週末去露營吧That’s sudden… I like it.
好突然喔……我喜歡We’ll need a tent, sleeping bags, and bravery.
我們需要帳篷、睡袋，還有勇氣You bring the bravery.
你負責勇氣I’ll bring the snacks.
我負責零食Deal.
一言為定No cell signal, though.
不過那邊沒訊號喔Good. I need a break from scrolling.
太好了，我需要從滑手機中解脫And you can’t online shop in the woods.
而且在森林裡你不能網購My wallet just exhaled in relief.
我的錢包現在鬆了一口氣I messed up the pancakes this morning.
我今天早上煎鬆餅失敗了How?
怎麼了？I used salt instead of sugar.
我把鹽當糖用了Oh no. Were they edible?
哇……還能吃嗎？Only if you hate joy.
如果你討厭快樂的話可以Let’s start over.
重來吧This time I’ll double-check the labels.
這次我會看清楚標籤And maybe let me mix.
或是讓我來拌料好了Fair. Cooking under pressure is not my strength.
好啦，我在壓力下真的不適合煮東西You panicked like it was a baking competition.
你煎得像在參加烘焙比賽The self-checkout yelled at me again.
自助結帳機又對我大吼了What’d you do this time?
你這次又怎麼了？Apparently, I moved an “unscanned item.”
它說我移動了「未掃描的物品」What item?
哪一樣？My dignity.
我的尊嚴Those machines are aggressive.
那些機器超兇的I felt judged by a robot.
我被機器評斷的感覺Should’ve used the human line.
應該去人工櫃檯Too late. I’m emotionally scarred.
太晚了，我心靈受創了Let’s shop online next time.
下次我們改網購好了Your phone’s screen is covered in fingerprints.
你的手機螢幕上全是指紋That’s how I remember where I’ve tapped.
那是我記得點過哪裡的方式It’s like an archaeologist’s dream.
根本像考古學家的夢“And here, we see ten failed attempts to text ‘pizza.’”
「這裡顯示了十次拼錯 ‘pizza’ 的紀錄」Want a screen cleaner?
要不要我拿螢幕清潔布給你？Got one?
你有喔？Yeah, in the drawer of random everything.
有，在那個什麼都塞的抽屜裡I fear that drawer.
那個抽屜太恐怖了We all do.
誰都怕它But it holds all the secrets.
但它藏著一切秘密I think I shrank your sweater.
我好像把你的毛衣洗縮了How small are we talking?
縮多小？“Might fit a chihuahua” small.
大概只適合吉娃娃穿Noooo. That was my favorite!
不——那是我最愛的毛衣！I’ll buy you a new one.
我買一件新的給你And a chihuahua, apparently.
然後可能還得買一隻吉娃娃At least it’s soft.
至少它摸起來還是很軟Want to keep it as a reminder?
要不要留著當紀念？Of laundry mistakes?
紀念洗衣災難？Of love and poor sorting.
紀念愛與分類錯誤的回憶You ever just forget how to spell “restaurant”?
你有沒有時候突然忘了「restaurant」怎麼拼？Every single time.
每次都會忘I always try “restraunt.”
我老是拼成「restraunt」It feels correct until it isn’t.
當下拼完都覺得沒錯Spellcheck silently judges me.
拼字檢查靜靜地瞪我Same with “definitely.”
「definitely」我也拼不對I write “definately” every time.
我每次都寫成「definately」We should start a spelling support group.
我們應該辦一個拼字互助會We’ll call it “Restraunt Survivors.”
名字就叫「Restraunt 倖存者」With free snacks.
提供免費零食The popcorn bag exploded in the microwave.
爆米花在微波爐裡炸開了Were you watching it?
你有在看著嗎？No, I trusted it.
沒有，我選擇相信它Big mistake.
大錯特錯Did it at least taste good?
味道還行嗎？Half-burnt, half-perfect.
一半焦、一半剛好So… average.
所以……平均值Let’s sweep up the chaos.
我們來掃一下殘局Popcorn is sneaky.
爆米花真的很會亂竄It’s in the light fixture.
有些卡在燈具裡了I got roped into a group project.
我被拉去參加一個小組報告In real life?
現實生活的？Yeah, someone from my old class messaged me.
對啊，我以前的同學傳訊給我What’s the project?
是什麼樣的報告？A fake startup pitch.
一個假的創業簡報I hope it’s for an app that quits meetings for you.
希望是開發一個自動幫你退出會議的AppI’d invest in that.
我一定投資I’m the “branding guy.”
我被指定為「品牌負責人」Fancy title.
聽起來很厲害耶No clue what I’m doing.
其實我完全不知道自己在幹嘛Our houseplants are leaning dramatically.
我們的室內植物全都歪得很誇張They want attention.
它們需要關注了Or sunlight.
或是陽光Same thing.
其實差不多啦Should we rotate them?
我們要不要把它們轉個方向？Or give them a pep talk?
或是跟它們打打氣？“You are green. You are strong.”
「你很綠，你很堅強」I think the fern blinked.
我覺得那盆蕨類眨眼了It’s thriving on compliments.
它靠讚美活得更好Plants are divas.
植物都好戲劇化I reorganized the bookshelf.
我重新整理了書架Where’s my mystery novels?
我的推理小說咧？Middle-left. Chronological by publication.
左邊中間，按出版年份排的That’s intense.
太認真了吧I got bored.
因為我無聊And now I can’t find anything.
現在我反而找不到書了It’s an adventure.
當作冒險遊戲吧A literary scavenger hunt.
閱讀版的尋寶任務You gamified reading.
你把讀書變成遊戲了耶You’re welcome.
不用客氣The fire alarm chirped at 3 a.m.
火災警報器凌晨三點在叫Battery dying again?
又是電池快沒電？Of course. Always at 3 a.m.
當然啊，總是在凌晨三點It’s the universal law.
這是世界定律了Did you change it?
你換了嗎？Eventually. After wrestling with a chair.
有啦，跟椅子搏鬥完之後Why don’t they die during the day?
為什麼電池不能白天壞掉？Drama.
因為它們想要戲劇效果Even the smoke alarm needs an audience.
就連煙霧警報器也想吸引注意Midnight monologues.
深夜獨白My hoodie string disappeared.
我的帽T的抽繩不見了Into the hoodie void.
掉進帽T的黑洞了I miss it.
我好想它喔Should we attempt a rescue?
我們要試著救援嗎？Got a chopstick and some patience?
有筷子和耐心嗎？We’re going in.
我們準備進攻了Pull slowly…
慢慢拉…It’s back!
出來了！Sweet victory.
勝利的感覺真棒Hoodie restored.
帽T復活了You’ve had three cups of coffee already.
你已經喝了三杯咖啡了I’m trying to feel feelings again.
我在努力恢復感覺Or lose them completely.
或是直接麻痺一切I feel energized and terrified.
我現在是精力充沛又驚恐萬分Want decaf next time?
要不要下次喝無咖啡因？That’s for cowards.
那是給膽小鬼的Or sane people.
或是理智的人I’ll consider tea… maybe.
我會考慮喝茶…也許啦Herbal rebellion.
草本反叛Sounds leafy.
聽起來滿「葉」的We forgot to bring snacks to the movie.
我們忘了帶零食去看電影Amateur move.
新手錯誤I panicked and bought raisinets.
我慌了，結果買了葡萄乾巧克力You don’t even like raisins.
你根本不喜歡葡萄乾耶I was under pressure!
我那時候壓力很大！Let’s sneak in candy next time.
下次我們偷帶糖果進去Gummy bears or bust.
小熊軟糖不拿不行Popcorn prices are criminal.
電影院爆米花價格太誇張Our snack budget needs its own plan.
我們的零食預算應該有自己的計畫Or a disguise.
或是變裝術I saw you organizing the spice rack.
我看到你在整理香料架It was chaos in there.
裡面太混亂了You alphabetized it.
你還照字母排好了It brought me peace.
這樣我覺得心靈平靜Did you throw out the paprika?
你把紅椒粉丟了嗎？It expired in 2019.
它2019年就過期了耶It was historic!
那是歷史文物！Let it rest in spice.
讓它安息於香料之地That was terrible.
這冷笑話很慘I’m still proud.
但我還是很自豪Why are there pumpkins everywhere?
為什麼家裡到處都是南瓜？Fall mode activated.
秋天模式已啟動It’s still 85 degrees outside.
可是外面還有 30 度啊Shhh. It’s pumpkin season in my heart.
噓，我心中已經是南瓜季了Is that a pumpkin soap?
那是南瓜口味的肥皂？And lotion. And candle.
還有乳液跟蠟燭I’m afraid.
我有點害怕了Embrace the squash.
接受瓜類的力量吧Pumpkin domination begins.
南瓜稱霸開始了I surrender.
我投降You’re wearing socks with sandals again.
你又穿襪子配涼鞋了耶My feet are confused.
我的腳很迷惘Pick a season!
選一個季節吧！I like options.
我喜歡有選項That’s fashion chaos.
這是時尚災難It’s comfy chaos.
是舒適型災難Want to borrow fuzzy socks?
要不要借你毛絨絨的襪子？Always.
當然要You’re forgiven.
好啦，原諒你了Fashion peace restored.
時尚和平重建成功
来源：洪一一一点号