摘要：I am here to talk about parenting, which is kind of weird because if you Google "America's worst mom," you find me there for 22 Go
I am here to talk about parenting, which is kind of weird because if you Google "America's worst mom," you find me there for 22 Google pages, followed by "America's Worst Mother's Day gift," which, guys — a lot of you here — we don't want an iron and lingerie's for Father's Day.
今天我来聊聊育儿这个话题，但这事儿吧，还挺奇怪的。因为只要你在谷歌上搜“美国最差劲妈妈”，前 22 页搜出来的都是我。紧随其后的搜索结果是“母亲节最烂礼物”。各位 —— 在座的很多朋友们 —— 我们可不想要熨斗，至于内衣嘛，那是给父亲节准备的。
So... How do you get a name like that?
所以……我怎么会摊上这么个名声呢？
Well, years ago, when our younger son was nine, he started asking me and my husband if we would take him someplace he'd never been before in New York City, where we live, and let him find his own way home by subway.
事情是这样的：几年前，我们住在纽约市，当时我小儿子九岁。他开始缠着我和我先生，想让我们带他去市里一个他从没去过的地方，然后让他自己坐地铁回家。
So we talked about it, me and my husband, who you never hear of as "America's worst dad." Hmm.
于是我们商量了一下，我和我先生——你可从来没听说过谁叫他“美国最差劲爸爸”吧。嗯。
And we decided, sure.
结果，我们同意了。
Long story short, I wrote a newspaper column, "Why I let my nine-year-old ride the subway alone," and two days later, I was on the "Today Show," MSNBC, Fox News, and NPR.
长话短说，我写了一篇报纸专栏，题为《我为什么让我九岁的儿子独自坐地铁》。结果两天后，我就上了《今日秀》、微软全国广播公司 （MSNBC）、福克斯新闻和美国国家公共电台的节目。
Fox News and NPR.
福克斯新闻和美国国家公共电台。
OK? Kind of wild.
是不是很夸张？
And I realize that a lot of you would not make the same decision, obviously.
我知道，在座的各位显然不会做出同样的选择。
But you should have seen our son.
但你们是没看见我儿子当时的样子。
He came into the apartment levitating.
他回到家的时候，简直是飘着进来的。
He was so happy.
他高兴坏了。
So I want you to think back for just a second on something that you absolutely loved doing as a kid.
所以，我想请大家回想一下，自己小时候特别喜欢做的一件事。
Maybe flashlight tag, building forts.
也许是玩手电筒抓人游戏，或是搭堡垒。
And now, I want you to raise your hand if your mom knew exactly where you were.
现在，如果当时你妈妈确切地知道你在哪儿，请举手。
OK. It's an older crowd here.
好的。看来在座的各位年纪都不小了。
It is usually the younger people who raise their hands because that's what's changed.
通常举手的都是年轻人，因为时代变了。
In fact, that's what I wrote my book about, "Free-Range Kids." For the last generation or two, kids have been getting so little time on their own, so little time unsupervised.
事实上，这就是我写的书《散养孩子》的主题。在过去一两代里，孩子们独处和无人看管的时间都太少了。
And of course, some of that's good, you know, togetherness is good.
当然，这其中有些变化是好的。亲子共处是好事。
Kids need a strong bond.
孩子们需要牢固的亲子关系。
But, you know, too much is driving us all crazy.
但是，你们知道吗，过犹不及，这快把我们所有人都逼疯了。
There was the Surgeon General report from 2021, which a lot of you probably saw.
2021 年，（美国）卫生局局长发布了一份报告，在座的各位可能都看过。
It said that kids are more depressed and anxious than ever. Right?
报告指出，现在的孩子比以往任何时候都更加抑郁和焦虑。对吧？
And then he came out with a report like two years later that said parents are more depressed and anxious than ever.
然后，大约两年后，他又发布了一份报告，指出现在的父母也比以往任何时候都更加抑郁和焦虑。
And I'm like, yeah, because we need our space, right?
我当时就想，那可不是嘛，因为我们都需要自己的空间，对不对？
The olden days were not perfect, but back then, there were three worlds that were absolutely, perfectly balanced.
过去的日子并非完美，但在那时，有三个世界维持着一种绝对而完美的平衡。
There was the kid world filled with, you know, bikes and adventures and playing, and the adult world — so boring.
一个是孩子的世界，里面充满了自行车、冒险和玩耍，你懂的；还有一个是成年人的世界——无聊透顶。
People were always talking about politics and who was having a procedure.
大人们总是在谈论政治，还有谁谁谁又做了个什么手术。
And a lot of polyps, polyps, polyps.
聊来聊去都是息肉、息肉、息肉。
And then there was... Then there was family world when everyone was together, like on vacation or at dinner.
然后还有……再就是家庭世界，也就是大家聚在一起的时候，比如度假或吃晚饭。
But now, they've all been sort of mashed up together, and especially since phones, because now, even when parents aren't physically with their kids, they can be texting and talking and tracking them.
但现在，这几个世界全都搅和在了一起，尤其是在手机出现后。因为现在，就算父母不在孩子身边，也可以通过发短信、打电话和定位来时刻联系、追踪他们。
So the worlds are not in balance anymore.
所以，这些世界不再平衡了。
Fortunately, the reason I'm here is that there is a sort of easy way to start teasing the worlds apart again, and it just begins with a little bit of deprogramming.
幸运的是，我今天站在这里，就是想告诉大家一个简单的方法，能把这些世界重新分开。而第一步，就是要先转变观念。
So here goes.
那我们开始吧。
We have to realize that we've been sort of brainwashed into believing that anytime our kids aren't with us, they're in terrible danger of being kidnapped by a guy in a white van looking for his puppy.
我们必须认识到，我们好像被洗脑了，总觉得孩子只要一离开我们的视线，就处在极大的危险中，随时可能被一个开着白色面包车、谎称找小狗的坏人绑架。
Or — also tragic — not getting into Harvard.
或者——同样悲惨的——考不上哈佛大学。
And as a result... Terrible. I don't even like to think about it.
结果就是……太可怕了。我简直不敢想。
But the upshot is that we are spending way more time with our kids than our parents spent with us, usually helping them do things that they could do on their own.
但结果就是，我们陪伴孩子的时间，远超我们父母当年陪伴我们的时间，而且通常是在帮他们做些他们自己就能搞定的事。
And the... I call it the adult takeover of childhood because it's so vast that the University of Michigan did a study two years ago, and they found that parents want to give their kids independence, they recognize its importance.
我把这种现象称为“成年人对童年的侵占”，因为这种现象影响范围太广了。密歇根大学两年前做了一项研究，发现父母们其实想给孩子独立的空间，也认识到了独立的重要性。
But the majority of parents of kids aged 9 to 11, which is tweens, right, kind of old, will not let them play at the park with a friend, will not let them walk to a friend's house.
但是，大多数 9 到 11 岁孩子的父母——这个年纪算是准青少年了，对吧，不小了——他们不会让孩子跟朋友去公园玩，也不会让他们自己走到朋友家去。
And if they're at, you know, the store, shopping together, only 50 percent will let their kid go to another aisle.
要是一起在商店购物，只有一半的父母会允许孩子自己去另一个过道。
Okay? That's a real statistic. That's University of Michigan.
这可是真实的数据，是密歇根大学的研究结果。
So sending your kid for a can of peas is like sending them to Nam. OK?
所以，让孩子去拿一罐豌豆，简直就像是送他们上越战战场一样。懂吗？
It's just crazy. We've got to get braver than that.
这太疯狂了。我们得再勇敢一点才行。
We got to get brave enough to send our kids to the canned food aisle or to the park before their voice changes.
我们得拿出点勇气，敢在孩子变声之前，就让他们自己去罐头食品区，或者去公园。
So how?
那么，怎么做呢？
Well, I've got two helpful facts and three solutions.
好，我这儿有两组很有启发的事实和三个解决方案。
Helpful fact one is this: your kid is not gonna be kidnapped.
事实一：你的孩子，根本不会被绑架。
OK? If for some reason, you wanted them to be snatched off the street by a stranger, statistically, how long would you have to keep them outside?
是吧？假设你真想让孩子被陌生人从街上拐走，那从统计学上来看，你得让他们在外面待多久呢？
750,000 years.
75 万年。
OK? It's a while.
是吧？这时间可不短。
And after the first 100,000, they're not even kids anymore, right?
而且过了头 10 万年，他们都不再是孩子了，对吧？
They're not even cute. They're like dust.
连可爱都谈不上了，早就化成灰了。
Fact two is that when our kids aren't with us and all our teachable moments, they're actually learning more.
事实二：当孩子不在我们身边，脱离了我们所谓的“言传身教”时刻，他们反而学得更多。
And let me explain.
我来解释一下。
When adults organize a game, we are efficient, right?
成年人组织游戏时，讲究的是效率，对吧？
We decide what they're gonna play and whether the ball was in or out, and who gets a trophy, which is easy because everyone, right?
我们决定玩什么，我们裁定球出界还是界内，我们决定谁拿奖杯——这倒简单，因为人人有份，对吧？
But when kids are organizing a game, it is a total mess.
但当孩子们自己组织游戏时，那可就乱成一锅粥了。
Especially if you got, like, a bunch of kids of different ages, like the "Peanuts" gang, well, they have to decide what they're gonna play, and then they have to make the teams kind of even — a lot of negotiating.
尤其是一群大小孩混在一起玩，就像《花生漫画》里那样，他们得先决定玩什么，然后还得想办法把队伍分得实力相当——这中间需要大量的商量。
And then you have to keep the game going, even when there are arguments, which there will be.
然后，即使出现争执——而争执是在所难免的——他们也得想办法让游戏继续下去。
So along the way, they're learning how to make something happen, how to get buy-in, executive function, focus, compromise, you know, communication, just all the skills they need to be a functioning human being.
所以在这个过程中，他们就在学习如何促成一件事、如何争取支持，学会了执行、专注、妥协和沟通，这些都是成为一个健全社会人所必需的技能。
And if a 12-year-old ends up pitching to a five-year-old, which would never, ever happen in adult organized sports, well, there's no glory in striking out a kindergartener, right?
如果一个 12 岁的大孩子最终给一个 5 岁的小不点投球——这在成年人组织的体育活动中是绝对、绝对不可能发生的——你想想，把一个幼儿园小朋友三振出局，有什么光彩的？对吧？
So the older kid throws the ball kind of gently, and the little kid taps it, and the older one goes, "My God, it's a home run!" And the little kid is so ecstatic, right?
于是大孩子会轻轻地把球扔过去，小孩子一碰，大孩子就会喊：“天啊，是记全垒打！”那个小孩子会欣喜若狂，对吧？
But the older one is too, because he's doing something new.
但大孩子也一样，因为他自己也有了全新的体验。
He is learning how to empathize and how to be generous, how to be an adult.
他在学习如何共情，如何为人慷慨，如何成为一个真正的成年人。
And that's the most teachable moment of all.
而这，才是最宝贵的言传身教。
When we take those experiences out of our kids' lives by always being with them to help them and high-five them, "good job, good buddy," you know, they get anxious because they don't see how much they can do, how much they can handle on their own.
我们总是陪在孩子身边，帮助他们，跟他们击掌说“干得好，好伙计！”。但这样做，恰恰剥夺了他们宝贵的成长经历，让他们变得焦虑，因为他们看不到自己有多大能耐，也看不到自己能独立处理多少事情。
And we get anxious because we don't see it either.
我们自己也会焦虑，因为我们同样看不到。
And so we're all feeling way more anxious than we have to.
结果，我们所有人都陷入了不必要的焦虑之中。
What can we do?
那我们能做些什么呢？
Here's the deal.
办法是这样的。
About eight years ago, the social psychologist Jonathan Haidt and I and two others got together, and we started a nonprofit to make it easy, normal, and legal for parents to let go and let grow.
大约八年前，社会心理学家乔纳森·海特、我以及另外两位同仁，共同成立了一个非营利组织，旨在让父母“放手”、让孩子“成长”这件事，变得简单、正常且合法。
OK? In fact, we call our organization Let Grow.
所以，我们的组织就叫“放手成长”。
And because a collective problem, which is nobody letting their kids do anything, needs a collective solution, everybody doing it at the same time, so you don't feel guilty or weird or judged, God forbid, judged, we came up with two school programs that are free and one new law.
这是一个普遍的社会问题：没人敢放手让孩子自己做任何事。既然是普遍问题，就需要一个大家能共同参与的解决方案，让所有人同时行动起来。这样，你就不会感到内疚、格格不入或被人指指点点——天知道被人指指点点有多难受。为此，我们推出了两个免费的校园项目和一部新法案。
The law is this.
我先来介绍一下这部法案。
The law says that it is not illegal to let your kid play at the park with a friend, or walk to the store, do all sorts of things on their own.
法案规定，让孩子自己和朋友去公园玩、自己走路去商店，或者独立完成各种事情，均不构成违法行为。
We call it the Reasonable Childhood Independence law, and so far as of last month, it has been passed in nine states.
我们称之为《合理童年独立法案》。截至上个月，该法案已在美国九个州获得通过。
Yes, right.
是的，没错。
Thank you. Yeah. It's a great law.
谢谢。这确实是一部很棒的法案。
And actually, they're voting on it in Florida tomorrow.
而且，佛罗里达州明天就要对这部法案进行投票了。
And then, our two school programs are these.
接下来，我再介绍一下我们的两个校园项目。
We would like schools to stay open after school, not just for chess and homework help and soccer and all these adult-run activities, but for actual mixed-age, no-devices free play.
我们希望学校能在放学后继续开放，不只是用于下棋、作业辅导、足球等由成年人组织的活动，更要为孩子们提供真正的、不同年龄段混合、禁止使用电子设备的自由玩耍时间。
You put out some balls, some chalk, cardboard boxes, and there is an adult there crouching in the corner with an EpiPen.
你只需要准备一些球、一些粉笔、一些纸箱，再安排一个大人带着 EpiPen （肾上腺素笔）蹲在角落里就行了。
But they don't solve the arguments.
但这位成年人并不负责解决孩子们的争执。
They don't organize the game.
也不负责组织游戏。
They're like a lifeguard, OK?
他们就像是救生员，明白吧？
And I know everyone thinks that kids just want to run home.
我知道，很多人会想，孩子们放了学不就只想跑回家吗？
They really want to be with their phones.
或者只想玩手机。
They really want to be with each other.
但其实，他们真正想的是和小伙伴们待在一起。
They really want to be having fun, playing, having adventures, maybe flirting.
他们真正想要的是找乐子、尽情玩耍、去冒险，甚至可能还有点小暧昧。
And if the only place they can do that without constant adult supervision is on their phones, of course, that's where they go.
如果没有成年人时刻监督，他们唯一能做这些事的地方就只剩下手机了，那他们当然会一头扎进手机的世界。
But if you give them back a place that's free of phones, filled with kids a swath of time, they love it.
但如果你还给他们一个没有手机、全是同伴、并且有大把时间的地方，他们会爱死那里的。
I've gone to these play clubs. It is so great.
我参观过这些“玩乐俱乐部”，感觉棒极了。
I consider them a wildlife sanctuary for childhood, right?
我把它们看作是“童年野生动物保护区”，你们觉得呢？
Simple. Just keep the schools open for free play. Right?
方法很简单：让学校为孩子们的自由玩耍而开放。就这么简单，对吧？
The second thing we suggest is that schools do the Let Grow experience.
我们建议的第二点，是让学校开展“放手成长”体验。
And that's when teachers give kids the homework assignment that says, "Go home and do something new on your own with your parents' permission, but without your parents.
在这个体验中，老师会给孩子们布置一项特殊的家庭作业：“回家后，在征得父母同意但不让他们陪伴的情况下，独立去尝试一件新鲜事。
You can climb a tree, walk the dog, make pancakes, doesn't matter, anything.
比如爬树、遛狗、做煎饼，做什么都行。
Depending on your age and your neighborhood, etc. " And it's in just over a thousand schools so far.
具体做什么，取决于你的年龄和居住环境等等。”目前，已经有超过一千所学校参与了这项活动。
And last year, we heard of one kid who was 10 or 11, and he decided for his Let Grow experience, he would make dinner for his family.
去年，我们听说有个十、十一岁的孩子，决定把“为家人做一顿晚餐”作为自己的“放手成长”体验。
So he went to get the ingredients at the store, and he's shopping and he's getting everything.
于是，他去商店买食材，在店里选购，把东西都买得差不多了。
And then, he can't find the hot sauce.
但他找不到辣酱了。
And the idea of asking a clerk for help, going up to an adult like a moron, an idiot... He just felt so tiny.
一想到要像个傻瓜一样，走到一个大人面前开口求助……他就觉得自己渺小极了。
He couldn't do it. He ran out of the store.
他鼓不起这个勇气，直接跑出了商店。
He literally left his cart and all the other groceries there, and he bolted.
他真的就把购物车和买好的东西全扔在那儿，拔腿就跑。
And then... he went back in and he talked to the clerk, and he got the hot sauce.
但后来……他又走了回去，开口询问店员，最终买到了辣酱。
And in one sense, it's just a simple errand. Right?
从某种意义上说，这不过是跑个腿儿的小事，对吧？
But in another sense, it's the hero's journey, right?
但从另一个角度来看，这就是一趟英雄之旅，不是吗？
Because he had been defeated and humiliated.
因为他刚刚才经历了挫败和羞辱。
He actually abandoned his quest, just like they say in those hero's journeys books.
他甚至一度放弃了自己的使命，就像那些英雄故事里讲的一样。
But then he went back in... and he did it himself.
但他又回去了……并靠自己的力量完成了任务。
"I did it myself" are childhood's magic words.
“我靠自己做到了”，这便是童年时期的魔法咒语。
"I did it myself" is the original anxiety buster.
“我靠自己做到了”，这正是驱散焦虑最根本的法宝。
And in fact, if I asked you right now — and probably we'll talk about it later — to remember something that made you really proud of your own kid or your grandkid, or your niece or your student or nephew, whatever, it's usually something like, you know, he was on an overnight last night, and the other mom called to say he cleared the table. Really?
其实，如果我现在请大家回想一下——这个我们待会儿或许可以再聊——有没有哪件事让你为自己的孩子、孙辈、侄辈或学生感到无比自豪？十有八九是这样的事，比如：“他昨晚在朋友家过夜，对方妈妈特地打电话来说，他主动收拾了餐桌。”你会不会觉得：真的吗？
Or we were on vacation and she got lost, but she found her own way back to the hotel.
或者：“我们去度假时她走丢了，但她自己找到了回酒店的路。”
Or my kid took the cousins out last night and let the five-year-old get a home run.
或者，“我孩子昨晚带着表弟表妹们出去玩，还让那个五岁的打出了一个本垒打。”
We're most proud of our kids when they do something on their own, and our kids are most proud of themselves when they do something on their own.
当孩子们独立完成一件事时，我们做父母的感到最骄傲，而孩子们自己，也感到最自豪。
So the solution to the parent anxiety crisis and the kid anxiety crisis turns out to be the exact same thing.
所以，要解决父母的焦虑和孩子的焦虑，方法其实是完全一样的。
You got to pull apart those worlds again.
你必须让这两个世界再度分离。
You got to put the kid world separate from the parent world.
你得让孩子的世界独立于父母的世界之外。
Put them back in balance.
让它们重新回到平衡。
You got to let kids do something on their own in the big wide world, maybe without even tracking them or talking to them or texting them, just trusting them to do something on their own.
你得让孩子在广阔的世界里独立做事，不用时时刻刻追踪定位，不用一直打电话、发信息，而是全然地信任他们，放手让他们自己去闯。
And if you can do that, if you can let go, I can guarantee your kids are gonna end up less anxious.
如果你能做到这一点，如果你能放手，我敢保证，你的孩子就不会那么焦虑了。
Your kids are gonna end up smarter.
你的孩子会变得更聪明。
And your kids are gonna feel really proud, but not as proud as you.
你的孩子会感到无比自豪，但他们的自豪，一定比不上你的骄傲。
Thank you.
谢谢大家。
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
谢谢。谢谢。谢谢。
谢谢。谢谢。谢谢。
来源：英语东