摘要：做⽗⺟最怕两个词：内疚与两难。异地⼯作､单亲抚养的⼈尤其熟悉。孩⼦需要你的“在场”，你也需要修复⾃⼰､安顿⽣活｡⼀旦两者冲突，很多⼈本能地把⾃⼰推向道德的被告席｡要怎么解决因为移居海外造成的抚养缺位？伦理学家的回答告诉你，有时候，⼀个情绪稳定､⽣活有秩序的你，

有趣灵魂说

译文为原创，仅供个人学习使用

The New York Times｜The Ethicist

纽约时报｜伦理学家

I Co-Parent My Kids. Would It Be Wrong to Move Abroad?

我与前任共同抚养孩子，若移居海外是否不妥

How should I weigh my children’s emotional needs against my own need for healing, belonging and growth?

在孩⼦的情感需要，与我⾃身的疗愈､归属与成⻓之间，我该如何权衡

By Kwame Anthony Appiah

Kwame Anthony Appiah has been the The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist since 2015 and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U.

⾃2015年起，他担任纽约时报杂志“伦理学家”专栏作家并在纽约⼤学任教｡

Illustration by Tomi Um

我在一场艰难分手之后，实行异地共同抚养的安排。由于法律层面的障碍，我与孩子线下见面的机会，已有一段时间受限。为了维持稳定而有爱的存在感，我刻意经营了一套有结构的远程育儿方式—每周视频通话、共享活动，以及线下面对面探视。

现在，我在考虑搬到美国，与一位至亲共同生活。TA能够提供情感支持与稳定环境。这次搬迁，有助于我在多年创伤之后继续疗感，在更扎实的环境中重建生活。我本已异地育儿；但一旦出国，距离将更为确定：我见孩子的频率，可能从每两周一次降至每李度一次。我担心，这种改变会如何影响我们的亲子联结，以及我作为父母的责任。

当异地抚养将继续下去时，为追求自我修复与家庭支持而移居海外，在伦理上站得住脚吗？在孩子的情感需要与我自身疗感、归属与成长的需要之间，我该怎样权衡？

—署名保留 （Name Withheld）

A

《伦理学家》专栏作家答

你没有说明限制你探视孩子的具体原因，也未提及孩子的年龄、需要及另一位家长的情况。基于此，我只提出几条一般性的观察。

首先，是务实问题：搬迁是否会影响你的探视权。你应当先咨询一位家庭律师。下文我将假定不会受影响，但在行动之前，确认很重要。

其次，身为父母，并不意味着要完全牺牲个人利益。照顾好自己，是你的权利；若你身心困顿，你也很难成为孩子应得的那种父母。即便你把全部责任都指向孩子，这份责任也包含：维护自己的心理健康。

再者，既然你本就异地育儿，这次搬迁未必会从根本上改变你们的关系。科技能够在跨越大陆的情况下，依然提供真实的亲密与陪伴。线下探视减少，确实是一种损失；但如果你因此更安稳、更被支持，这份损失或可被抵消。哪怕相隔遥远，情绪稳定的父母，依然能让孩子受益。（以我个人为例：在手写书信的年代，我也曾在远离家乡数千公里的地方度过童年一段时光。对此我可以作证——有爱的关系足以跨越距离。）关键在你的教养方式，不在你的邮编。◾

I’m in a long-distance co-parenting arrangement after a difficult separation. Because of legal barriers, I’ve had limited physical access to my children for some time. In response, I’ve built a structured, intentional form of remote parenting — weekly video calls, shared activities and in-person visits — to remain a regular, loving presence in their lives.

Now I’m considering moving to the United States to live with a close family member who has offered emotional support and stability. The move would allow me to continue a long-overdue process of healing after years of trauma and to rebuild my life in a more grounded environment. I already parent from a distance, but moving abroad would make that distance more definitive — I would go from seeing my children once every two weeks to only once a quarter. I worry about how that change might affect our bond and my responsibilities as a parent.

Is it ethically defensible to pursue personal renewal and family support abroad when it means continuing to parent remotely? How should I weigh my children’s emotional needs against my own need for healing, belonging and growth? — Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

You don’t say what limits your access to your children, or anything about their ages, their needs or the other parent. So let me confine myself to a few general observations.

First, there’s the practical question of whether moving would affect your visitation privileges. You should consult a family lawyer about this. I’ll assume it wouldn’t, but it’s important to be sure before you act.

Beyond that, being a parent doesn’t mean subordinating your own interests entirely. You’re entitled to care for yourself, and you can’t be the parent your children deserve if you’re unwell or depleted. Even if you saw your duty as entirely to them, that duty would still include preserving your own mental health.

Given that you already parent from a distance, this move may not fundamentally change your relationship. Technology allows for real intimacy and presence, even across continents. Seeing your children less often in person is a loss, yes, but it could be offset if you feel more grounded and supported. A child benefits from a parent who is emotionally steady, even from afar. (As someone who spent part of his childhood thousands of miles from home — in the age of handwritten letters — I can attest that loving relationships can surmount distance.) Your parenting, not your postal code, may matter most.

来源：左右图史